Okay, so I've been thinking about this post for some time now trying to find a good way to present this to you. I am a nurse at the biggest labor and delivery unit in the nation. We have 42 labor beds, 5 OR's, our own recovery room, and 19 high risk beds. We also have a 7 bed triage unit for overflow. Now that is just in Labor and Delivery. We also have a whole unit dedicated to nothing but long term high risk patients. I am not even sure how many post partum beds we have but I know there are 6 floors in the women's center. We are one of two high risk certified hospitals in the nation. We have a top of the line NICU with I don't even know how many beds. You get the point. All this to say I have a few things to share with you. Some of this may be common knowledge, some may be slightly TMI, and some may be funny. So here goes. My top 10 things are:
1.Regardless of what you have heard we do not hate birth plans. They are a great thing. The downfall to them is this: a lot of times they are unrealistic. If you choose to have a birth plan share it with your doctor or Midwife before you come in to the hospital. They can help you decide what is reasonable and also discuss other options for you to consider.
2.If it is going to hurt your baby I am not going to do it! I do not want to hurt your baby, I promise. I understand you are looking out for the well being of your child, but so am I.
3.Usually it takes a long time to have a baby. I do not know how long it will take. It can take a few minutes to a couple of days. Ask for updates if you must, but I do not have a crystal ball, and I do not know what time this kid is coming :). Plan on 8 to 10 hours give or take a few in either direction. With labor and delivery anything goes and usually does!
4.Please consider your medical staff when it comes to hygiene. Enough said.
5.Dad, I don't care that you had sex last night. Unless I ask, I do not need to know. I do have a pretty good idea where babies come from.
Again dads: the hospital is not your home. I don't want to see you in your boxers! If you need to go #2, please use another restroom other than your wife's. Also, remember that even though the floors get mopped, this is a hospital and this is a particularly messy unit, so you may want to consider keeping your flip flops on when walking around. Also, I am your wife's nurse not your servant. Oh, and no you cannot have any Ambien, percocet, tylenol, motrin, etc.
6.Having a baby hurts. I don't care how many drugs you get or how good your epidural is you will experience some pain. I HAVE to put an IV in, I HAVE to check your cervix, sometimes you HAVE to lay on your side even though it's not your ideal position. I don't like hurting you, but your safety and well being as well as your baby's matter to me. They really truly do!
7.While your comfort is important, you really only need a small bag of things. A clean pair of jammies and panties, a clean set of clothes for you and baby, and a few toiletries. Some socks and slippers and maybe a robe and your own pillow. That's it. You do not need 3 suitcases, your stroller, your baby bag, your car seat, your bouncy seat, 5 books, 3 grocery bags full of snacks (you aren't allowed to eat on medication and epidural anyway), your perfume, hair dryer, straightener, hot rollers, your own toilet paper (yes I've seen a 4pack of Charmin), every antacid known to man (which you aren't allowed to take anyway), and whatever else you can live without for 48 hours. I promise it'll be okay!
8.If you must have your mother, MIL, FIL, your brother and his wife and 3 kids, your neighbor, you bible study group, your grandparents and their bible study group in your delivery, then you must know that I am going to have a hard time liking you. You many be the most pleasant, well behaved group of people in all the world but I need to take care of you and your baby and it's very hard to do my job with all those people in the way. Also, do you really want all those people seeing your hoo ha? I mean REALLY??????
9.If I come running in your room telling you I need your to roll over now, please don't sigh at me and ask me if you have to. Please don't all of a sudden lose your ability to move because you are pregnant. Don't worry about your bottom falling out because I've already seen it, and I'm pretty sure your baby daddy has too! I am asking for a reason and you need to trust me.
10.Finally, I am a nurse. I know that I am not a doctor. I know that I did not go to medical school. However, what you need to understand is that I do this 12 hours a day at least 3 days a week. I am with you all day and know you better than your doctor does. I labor women all the time, doctor's don't. I am your direct line to them and they know you are here I promise. I am usually on your side and it is my job to advocate to your doctor on your behalf, even if I don't agree with you. It is not my job to judge you, but it is my job to educate you; so please don't get offended when I sometimes question your thought process so that I can understand what you are asking. I am not trying to avoid calling your doctor, I just need to know because they are going to ask before the come. They will come but it may not be till you are ready to deliver. It may not be right before breakfast, and it may not even be at all that day, but they will come. I promise!
Finally, a note to an elite group of parents: To those who have lost your precious baby, I am so sorry. I really am. If I seem insensitive I'm not trying to be. Remember that I am human and my heart hurts too. I may even know what you are going through, but I may choose not to share that with you because this is about you, not me. If I cry with you I hope that is okay with you. I am praying for you and I usually go home and cry on my husband's shoulder. I will do all that I can to comfort you and meet your needs, but nothing I can say or do will make it better, but I will try anyway! Labor and Delivery is usually a happy place but when it's bad it's really bad. You are always in our hearts.
Amy
