What to Say?

I realize I have seriously neglected my blog. I realize that anyone out there has given up on me. It's been a rough go, and I realize that as well.
I have given my blog a minor face lift in honor of Georgia Football... GGGGGOOOOOO DDDDAAAWWWWGGGGSSSS! More changes are headed your way, please be patient.

So what's been going on? As you know my dad died in June after a short battle with cancer. I've posted about my anger and sadness. I have been so very angry. Not just at the fact that he died. Of course that makes me angry. I've been angry at the medical staff that was supposed to take care of him. I've been angry at the fact that he suffered needlessly and that he got blown off when he asked for help. What do I wish was different? I wish he was still here. I wish that I hadn't blown him off when he told me his shoulder hurt. I told him to exercise more. What a joke. I'm sorry dad. I have done a lot of healing over the summer though. I for the most part feel okay with life as it stands. There are days where it just hits me out of nowhere that he's gone. Those days I let myself cry and reminisce a little, then I move on.

This summer has been one of self rebuilding. I spent a lot of time bargaining with God. God, if you'll just fix this little problem then I'll listen to you. God, if you'll just make my mom feel better then I'll do all I can to make sure she stays happy. God, if you'll just make sure hubby's job stays stable I'll give you complete control of my finances. God, it you'll just help me get through to DQ then I'll make sure she gets to church every Wednesday night instead of just on Sundays. Know what? It didn't work. God want's me just the way I am so He can change me, grow me, heal me. My mom is His to heal. My finances are His to budget. DQ is His to guide. All things work to the glory of God. So what can I do? I can pray for DQ. I can pray with DQ. I can pray for my mom. I can let God handle hubby's job. I can trust Him in the storm and learn from life's problems.

I still don't understand why my dad died. I didn't tell him what I wanted to say. I had so much to say to him, but I let pride and fear keep me from saying it. Will I ever get the chance? I don't know. I honestly don't know where my dad is. Was he a Godly man? No. Did he believe? I'm not sure. I like the think somewhere, deep inside, under the anger and hurt that he did. I pray during those last few minutes he was here on this earth that Jesus reached out to him and whispered in his ear. "I am with you my child". I pray everyday that my dad is rejoicing in heaven, dancing in the streets of gold, praising the ONE TRUE GOD.

So this is my current place. A little sad, a little angry, a little doubt. I have seen so much happen this summer that brings tears to my eyes, but we've also laughed a lot too. I'm learning to find joy in the little things and to be thankful for all the I have. My mom is starting to heal. My family is awesome. I am loved. Those things are worthy of a smile, don't you think?